A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
. . . . . Dead silence . . . . . He had no trouble with discipline that year.
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and
loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter
what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to
do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to
make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning
was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist
nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred
activity and should be carried out only on special
occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger
through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation
exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective
motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a
hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the
drum?"
Three surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.
* The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
* The secomd added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
* The third one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
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The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
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When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and voted for Obama, but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed, and it was determined to be George Bush's fault.
In a small town in the United States, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous, or what?"
"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So
he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies –
two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as
ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the
problem?"
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24"
was the Route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."
Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."
Two ardent fishermen met on their vacation and began swapping stories about the different places they had fished, the kind of tackle used, the best bait, and finally about some of the fish they had caught. One of them told of a vicious battle he once had with a 300-pound salmon.
The other man listened attentively. He frankly admitted he had never caught anything quite that big. However, he told about the time his hook snagged a lantern from the depths of a lake. He said: "the lantern carried a tag proving it was lost back in 1912. But the strangest thing of all was the fact that It was a waterproof lantern and the light was still lit inside of it!"
For a long time the first man said nothing. Then he took one long deep breath and then said to the other man, "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said slowly.
"I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put out the light in your lantern."
A cowboy went into a bar in Wyoming and ordered three beers, and then drank a sip out of each and then repeating the procedure.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
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The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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CARDIOLOGIST AND MECHANIC
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $40,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."